Maybe Now, Maybe Not!!!

By: shy-girl

Many had dreamed to be happy with the one they love most yet whatever they tried still realizing it seems so hard to do. At times we thought that happiness arrived when we give ourselves to others. But now I’m mindful enough that giving fully oneself is a painful episode in ones entire life.

One had said that “our happiness is greatest when we contribute most to the happiness of others”. But how could this be, if that delight of others is also the pleasure of your soul. Does this mean that I need to give it up to have greater bliss? I think this is a dim-witted proposal. I once tried letting go of someone and suffer too much loneliness thinking that it was the best raison d'être that I could ever made for myself, yet after all those fed-up incident I then realized that life had totally devastated because of it. It was the darkest part of my life. Suffering anguish and much pain within in leaving for good. I never had in mind but to return him back to where he should belong. Yes, I am undeniably happy with him but someone could have greater joy if he will be home.

At that very moment of my life I had nothing in mind but forget the person I am. Divert to any activity in order to keep myself busy and fail to remember the tear-jerking situation inside of me. I fight the loneliness within, try to forget him, meet people, and even accept suitors. Yes, I able to have one, two, three and more lovers, yet, though how happy I am with them, at the end of the day it’s him I am longing for. As I close my eyes at night I linger for a moment and spend a little time thinking of him, asking how he was doing and hoping he was happy with somebody though it’s hurting. I know it is so hard to mend a broken heart for one piece of it has been sent to someone who can never be mine, yet I make an effort for someone sake. Many would be sacrificed if plan had pursued. The world might not even bear the burden. I would feel guiltier seeing somebody’s life reduce to rubble because of my stupidity. He could never understand me for giving him up and almost certainly sense that I’m good for nothing for not having a word. Telling him that I love him yet having no courage to fight for him. I can’t blame anybody for this matter, not even him for allowing me to fall but myself. I could do anything just to have him especially I know that he loves me so, but I can’t swallow the real me. I’m not selfish enough to keep him away from someone who loves him the same way I feel for him or even greater, I still have moral fiber.

Am I giving too much of myself? Martyr enough for my beloved? Now I had given a time to give a second chance for that love that fail. But I’m bothered and scared that this would not do any good but heartaches again. Moment has now come for the two hearts to be one. It has been a long journey for both to see for a second time. We travel two opposite roads and now have crossed. Many times I asked myself, should I pass his way and be happy? Or continue the journey alone leaving him to someone that would give greater joy much more than I could do. Regrets I know will come again for not holding on, but I rather suffer this agony than see him hurt once more cause by me. I can fight for this man though world will turn tumbling down but I can’t let him be with me living miserable. Love is sweeter in the second time around, but I know it’s not going to be me this might be somebody.

Maybe not or maybe now is the time for us, but just let this time pass. I know soon it will come to an end. Hope paths will not cross again if chances are still getting dim. I love him so, more than I love myself and I’m not expecting anything in return. I’m happy to feel this way but this is not healthy anymore I need to give him back his way. It is my pleasure to see him happy all the way.

It’s NOW or NEVER!!!